How Jujitsu Helped Me Take My Power Back

When I started practicing Brazilian Ju Jitsu, it was only to learn some basics. I’d always been a lot more drawn to the striking based disciplines, like Muai Thai. Shortly after plunging headfirst into a completely sober lifestyle, I decided MMA would be just the outlet I needed to relearn life without the escape of alcohol. As I quickly found out, life can be incredibly intense when you’re used to numbing yourself with alcohol and a master of repression.

The first month of sobriety was filled with more emotional outpouring than anyone could have ever prepared me for. I’m talking decades of unpleasant events resurfacing, and I was completely at the mercy of my subconscious deciding when, where, and why. It was utterly exhausting. I left my bed to write at night for hours, as sleep wouldn’t come. I failed to see the connection at first between quitting alcohol and starting to resolve past trauma. As far as I was concerned, the more awful parts of my past could (and previously did) stay in the past.

I had almost an indignant attitude to these emotional hijackings for a while. What right did these thoughts and memories have barging into my thoughts and daily activities whenever they damn well pleased? What didn’t my mind get about ME being in control now? After all, I’d gone longer without alcohol than any other time in my life aside from pregnancy, and by choice. If that wasn’t being in control, I wasn’t sure what was. I just didn’t get it. My life was finally as close to orderly as it had ever been, and I was feeling more happiness from within. I felt as safe as I ever had, not only physically, but emotionally as well. What was there to cry about now? Then, BOOM! Everything suddenly got really clear. I was safe. More than 10 years had passed since a very tumultuous period in my life, and I finally felt safe long enough to start processing some of that.

My therapist gave a name to what I was experiencing even before I got sober. CPTSD, or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This differs from PTSD in that it tends to be rooted in childhood. There are four main trauma response styles; fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, termed the four “F’s”. I have characteristics of both fight and flight, and have always considered myself a survivor who doesn’t “need” anyone.

I moved out on my own at 17 after finishing High School early through an alternative program. I was riding horses as close to full time as I could and knew that’s how I what I wanted to do for a living. It was as much of a passion for me as anyone could have. I supported myself working as a groom at a large show barn. It wasn’t a lot of money but I was truly happy with the lifestyle I had. I was away from a stressful and unstable childhood and that suited me just fine. What I lacked were the coping skills I would soon need as life threw me one curve ball after another.

When I moved out, I had been dating a man that seemed too good to be true. I had already been let down enough by people that were supposed to care for me that I thought of myself as a broken and unlovable person. He showered me in love and attention like I’d never known before. By the time I was 18, we were engaged and living together in my apartment. Sure there were signs of controlling behavior, even in the beginning, but I chalked all of those up to him showing me how much he loved me. Almost starting fights in grocery stores with strangers that were apparently “staring at” his girl and calling me sometimes several times in an hour had to be because he cared about me that much.

It was also around that same time that I began planning to start an equine business with someone I had known since I started riding at the age of seven. He was more than a friend and I considered him a mentor, if not family. I had been riding his horses and seriously competing for years, and most importantly, he believed in me. He sold the smaller farm he had, and bought a place we could turn into the boarding and training facility we dreamed of running. My finacee came along too.

The controlling behavior by my then husband continued to get worse, but I was so happy running my barn and doing what I loved that I tolerated the escalating intensity. Then the awful accident that took my business partner’s life happened. He was killed by one of the thoroughbreds I was training. I was a few feet away and couldn’t stop any of it. I remember a lot of it clearly, seeing someone I loved dearly laying there physically broken. All I could think was that he must be in so much pain and I couldn’t help him. The doctor’s assured me it happened so quickly that any suffering would have been very unlikely. A small comforting thought and the end to the honeymoon period of my life.

I was trapped. I had 21 horses in my care at the time. I threw myself into being as busy as possible. Every day, I got up and went through the motions. The horse that I grew up with and launched my career died three months later. My husband’s behavior became so scary that a lot of my boarders and friends left me and my barn. My mom was in a position in her own life where she had her own issues to deal with. I hadn’t been in contact with my dad for years thanks to my husband’s skillful isolation techniques. I was so afraid my animals would be hurt to get to me that I stayed stuck in the shame that had become my life. I couldn’t let anyone see my home with hole in the walls and doors ripped off hinges. Everything around me was indicative of his rage that I was desperately trying to keep a lid on.

I was repeatedly physically and sexually assaulted by the man who claimed to love me. Sometimes I tried to fight back. I will never forget the day I had enough, and kicked him with everything I had. It ended up being me on the garage floor and him laughing in my face. Powerless. Every time. I even watched my mom become a victim of the violence. I felt terror pretty much on a daily basis, but the thought of trying to leave and lose my beloved horses from my life was even more horrifying. He even hid my keys so that I could only leave with his permission. Walking on eggshells doesn’t even begin to describe what my life had become.

Then I did what I do best, I ran. My girlfriend took me to the courthouse to file the divorce paperwork, and I hired a private detective to make sure it was served. I ended up with my truck and my dog. There wasn’t anything else I was willing to subject myself to danger over. Most things can be replaced eventually. I I lost the farm in the end. And horses from my life. I kept running, like I’d doused it all in gasoline and lit a match. I supported myself as a bartender, which was the easiest environment to drown out the mess that had become my life. The money was great too.

I later met a man that has been nothing but wonderful for me. We have a beautiful daughter and a happy life I can be proud of. It took me 10 years of feeling safe in my environment, and getting sober, before I felt ready to tackle healing from my past.

After the first month of being totally sober, my emotions started to chill out, and I had an amazing amount of consistent energy. I wanted a new goal to work toward. I had been a runner, and a lifter, but thought it was time to go in a different direction. My dad has a pretty big background in combat sports, and I had done some limited training with him over the years, but nothing consistent had come of it for me. My daughter was young when I considered training with him more regularly, and his gym was too far to be convenient, so it fell to the wayside. Then it dawned on me, the right time was now.

I found a gym close to me that I was interested in training at. The owner called me back that morning and I was offered a week to try out any classes I wanted. Kickboxing and striking had been my favorite in the past, and I was really excited to get back to it. I thought I’d check out the Jujitsu fundamentals class too, for the sake of being well rounded. I loved the challenging workout that came from kickboxing, but what surprised me most was how quickly I fell in love with Jujitsu. I spent the first few months trying to balance training both without being away from my family as much, but in the end, Jujitsu won me over. The amazing feeling of learning something I didn’t think I’d enjoy, let alone be any good at, was enough to keep me coming back as much as possible. I welcomed the challenge of learning to move and control someone on the ground.

There were times, especially in the beginning, where I felt confused and clumsy, but I always left knowing more than when I walked in. Right from day one, I felt like I was in the right place for me. My training partners that had been rolling longer were always willing to answer my questions and work through drills patiently with me. I quickly learned how to work through being uncomfortable. There is something very powerful about learning the mental and physical skills to get yourself into a more dominant position. There is also something inherently comfortable knowing you can tap out when you’re overwhelmed and it will be respected immediately. The whole environment is built on trust and respect between training partners, and there is an automatic understanding that we’re all there to make each other and ourselves better. Friendships develop fast that way. So does self respect. I’m both humbled and grateful every time I step onto the mat.

Perhaps the most profound change that’s come from my training has been in my attitude. I no longer accept and adapt to unwanted chaos in my life, because I’m in control. It’s a fact that the past can’t be changed, but I take a lot of comfort knowing I’m learning skills that make me feel like I’ll never be a victim in life again. Flashbacks no longer upset me. I imagine past scenarios different now where I don’t freeze and let things happen to me that I’m not ok with. I train to be in control of my body and mind. I train to be strong for myself and my daughter. I train to be a more powerful version of myself every day and don’t plan on stopping any time soon.