Grappling with PTSD
Finding my strength despite setbacks
I. Can’t. Breathe. I can’t escape or even move. My muscles are giving up, and I can’t fight the choke any longer. Time to tap. Anyone who trains Jiujitsu has been here, that’s how our sport works. In a normal round, you tap on your training partner so they know to release the submission, and go right back to training. But I’m not having a normal training day, I’m about to have a PTSD induced panic attack on the mats. I still don’t know exactly what causes my brain and body to react this way, especially since I hadn’t had an incident in over a year. It’s not fun to go through and not many people know I suffer from CPTSD. Here is what I do know; after leaving the gym that day, I felt compelled to bring awareness and offer support to those experiencing similar issues by sharing my story.
My first training induced panic attack hit me when I was training for my second novice MMA fight. It’s really important to push yourself hard during those fight camp weeks, and I was doing just that with extra private training sessions in the cage. After several pace pushing rounds with my much younger and fitter male training partner, I hit the wall where I had no fight left in me whatsoever. I felt completely powerless. It certainly wasn’t the first time I had pushed myself to exhaustion in training, but for whatever reason, my brain and body dredged up some old and very unpleasant flashbacks of a time when I felt powerless to stop myself from being physically and sexually assaulted. I may have been physically in the cage, but mentally I was in a different place. I remember dropping to my knees and hyperventilating, then tears flowing. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, the embarrassment was too much. As I was sitting in my car, getting control of my physical symptoms, my inner critic started kicking me while I was down. Thoughts of being weak, and giving female fighters a bad name raced into my head. I was so embarassed, even though only a handful of people saw what happened. My close female friend was there to check on me, and I took some temporary comfort in that. Then, I started to worry that my training partner would think he hurt me, and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to explain such a personal issue. I certainly didn’t want anyone to tiptoe around me or baby me in training.
That same day, I was able to get myself together and train in my normal jiujitsu class. I was able to talk to my training partner and let him know that a PTSD issue got the better of me, and that he didn’t do anything wrong. I also proved to myself that I wasn’t going to let my PTSD stand in my way that day, or going forward. Though I had some lingering embarrassment, and fear that it could happen again, I felt strong in my choice to get right back on the mats.
Since that first panic attack, my fear of a repeat incident has come true a handful of times, and I realize going through it is the only way to overcome it. I’m learning to be less judgmental of myself, and respect the warning signs my body gives me before it becomes a full blown panic attack. My latest issue happened in the cage, training hard mma rounds. It was the third round and I could feel my body and mind start to react to the fatigue and feeling of being out of control. When I couldn’t slow or control my breathing(the prerequisite to every other incident) I tapped and quickly exited the cage before I couldn’t control the symptoms. And I was damn proud. I’ve also gotten over feeling like I have to explain my life story if I’m having an issue. Sometimes a simple “I’m good” when I’m ready to continue training is all that needs to be said. The message I want to send to others who may struggle with similar issues is that you’re not alone and you’re certainly not weak. Everyone we encounter on the mats and in life has had their issues to overcome in life. If sharing my story can help to bring awareness to the invisible battles we all fight, then it’s worth it to put myself out there.
